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Phoenix Waterford

Zwadderich Hoofdmonitor
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Phoenix Waterford last won the day on November 13 2018

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About Phoenix Waterford

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  1. [1837/1838][EN] The Golden Age

    Phoenix couldn't deny that he had been changed by his experiences, marked, the way Mr Foulkes-Davenport had named it, but he wasn't willing to accept that as a positive thing just yet. It was better to not have been marked, surely? Better to be strong, untested, pure, in a way. Mr Foulkes-Davenport seemed to consider it a strength, Phoenix was suddenly remembering the letter he had received, that same day, where Thurion had said he was proud of the hardships he had faced. Phoenix hadn't known what to think of it then, had just pushed it to the back of his brain, occupied with many more important things, but now he remembered. It was only that Phoenix didn't feel like the experience, or his whole past with his father, had strengthened him. More that it had made him fragile, broken, worse for wear. And now he was supposed to be proud of those achievements? Look back on them, instead of trying to hide them away in a corner of his mind and pretend they had never existed in the first place? "That's an... original way of looking at it," he picked his words carefully, trying to make it sound like a compliment, though not entirely being able to actually form one. "I hadn't thought of it myself." Wouldn't want to either, rejected the entire idea. He was much more grateful when his father showed him his collection, for something else to focus on. "That's exquisite," he said, with raised eyebrows, as he took in the entire map. "Really beautiful." Such beautiful artwork. The piece alone would've been worth a fortune, but with the added stones... it was a miracle he dared to bring it with him. "Yes, I get it," he nodded. "So did you pick out the map or did someone else?" He almost wanted to touch it, but was afraid of touching something so priceless too. Of course he was used to his fair share of expensive art pieces, but this was something much more personal, belonging to someone Phoenix wanted to impress more than anything.
  2. [1837/1838][EN] The Golden Age

    It was, maybe strangely, a relief to hear that university wouldn't be able to teach him everything. Phoenix saw most things that taught him that you didn't have to succeed in a set number of years as a relief, after years of years of hearing that if he didn't have everything together now it would all be a waste of time, money and trust, finding out that you still have so much to learn and so many opportunities too seemed relaxing. Like you weren't standing on the edge of the abyss, but that the abyss wasn't even into view. "Oh no, it's rather good to hear," Phoenix nodded in all earnest. "Obviously I'm still going to take university serious, I wouldn't dare to do otherwise, but my father - Mr Waterford, I mean - had some... other opinions." To put it mildly. That freedom seemed intoxicating, more so than the wine he had been drinking. He frowned at the explanation. "So you can even be rewarded a gemstone for the bad parts of your life? I mean, being hospitalized isn't exactly cause for celebration, you'd think." And your adoptive father murdering your mother in front of you wasn't really one either. Although he assumed that his was mostly awarded for now being a bit more part of the family. "You'd think that certain memories would be best left forgotten." But then again you did seem to be allowed to do whatever you wanted with the gems, so maybe you were expected to turn any relating to a bad memory to something better. "So everyone in the family has a collection like that? How many do you have? If you don't mind me asking."
  3. [1837/1838] Turning raw

    Maxwell wilde graag vrienden blijven en Phoenix wilde graag toehappen, gewoon 'ja, laten we doen alsof er niets is gebeurd' zeggen, alles wegstoppen op een plek waar het nooit meer getoond hoefde te worden, waar je er niet meer over hoefde na te denken, maar was wat ze hadden gehad daadwerkelijk wel vriendschap geweest? Ja, vanuit Phoenix, maar vanuit Maxwell... Zou Maxwell eerlijk kunnen zeggen dat niet alles wat hij had gedaan of had gezegd uiteindelijk het doel had gehad dat hij hoopte dat Phoenix dezelfde gevoelens kreeg? En misschien stelde Phoenix zich aan, misschien moest hij hier niet zo moeilijk over doen, maar eerlijk gezegd wist hij ook niet wat hij aanmoest met iemand die verliefd op hem was. Waarom? Hoe? Alles kwam ineens een stuk dichterbij en niet vanwege zijn eigen keuze. "Ik snap niet waarom je jezelf dat aan zou willen doen," mompelde hij zachtjes, mogelijk zou Maxwell hem niet eens verstaan, maar als hij er zelf over nadacht, zichzelf probeerde in Maxwells schoenen te zetten, dan... waarom? Waarom zou je vrienden willen blijven met iemand die niet op dezelfde manier aan je dacht? Waarom zou je daar elke dag bij in de buurt blijven? "Nee, natuurlijk ga ik het niet doorvertellen." Hij wilde Maxwell beschermen, op zijn eigen manier, en iemand anders alles vertellen was wel een hele domme manier om dat te doen, dat wist Phoenix ook wel. Ongemakkelijk pulkte hij aan zijn veters. "Ben ik... was ik... de eerste?" Waarom wilde hij dat überhaupt weten? Een soort ziek gevoel van nieuwsgierigheid?
  4. [1837/1838][EN] The Golden Age

    Ahh... the Scottish side of the family. Phoenix had known some of the difference, of course, you couldn't really be friends with Daniel and not realize that there were two branches of the Foulkes-Davenports, but Daniel hadn't said a lot about it and Phoenix hadn't thought to ask. Traditionalists, though, apparently, but from the explanation of his father he could assume that professor Foulkes-Davenport had been a bit of a... rebel. And now Daniel, of all people, was expected to take on that role. Oh dear, a lot of people were going to disappointed. "Ahh, I see," was Phoenix' polite reply, but he carefully stored all information inside his head. He wanted to make a good impression and he didn't want to be told the same thing twice. No, more than that, he wanted to fit in perfectly, sliding into the spaces left for him, as if he had always been there, as if he belonged. Right now he still had to ask questions, get clarifications, and it frustrated him endlessly. If only he had put a little more effort in getting to know Daniel before everything had collapsed, maybe it would've been easier then... "History, really?" He raised his eyebrows between the last bites. History... he didn't quite know what sort of person he thought of that studied history, but a Ravenclaw came more to mind. Someone who liked to disappear into books, endlessly, and never come out. And sure, he didn't know his father, but from what he could tell, Thurion Foulkes-Davenport didn't have that 'I could've been reading instead of doing this' look on his face. "Did you take some business classes later?" Chiron Waterford had scoffed at anything that was even one letter away from 'business' or 'economics', the idea of Phoenix taking something like history and then still be expected to take a place in his business probably would've caused a minor stroke. "Oh, thank you, I would like that." He wouldn't, really, the idea of a family business still gave him nightmares, but he wasn't going to say no to anything the Foulkes-Davenports offered him. Don't ask too much, but don't take too little, those seemed like good rules. He quickly finished the starter as he listened intently to the explanation of the crystals. What a strange tradition... Very... nostalgic, in a way. Or sentimental, maybe. "That sounds nice," he nodded. A reward for your achievements... what strange world had he entered? "What sort of achievements are we talking about?" Did you only get one when you were the best of your year, for example, or if you gotten straight O's on your exams? And did he count as someone who could win those crystals? Because then he would have to take his exams even more serious than he already did.
  5. [1837/1838][EN] The Golden Age

    There was, of course, quite a difference between the way Thurion Foulkes-Davenport gave Phoenix advice and the way Chiron Waterford had done. Though perhaps you couldn't say that the demands of Chiron resembled advice. Usually they were just a clear you're going to be awful at this, but I won't accept anything else, try not to disappoint me so much, which wasn't very motivating. His actual father, though, seemed to accept his suggestions and then slightly nudge him into the direction he wanted his son to go in. It was strange and Phoenix felt both conflicting needs to rebel and concede. He wanted approval, he wanted the freedom to make his own decision. He wanted everything he had never had before. "That might be a good idea," he nodded instead, taking slow and calm bites of his food. "I would need to do some research, look up some of the programs..." Even though Phoenix knew that he wouldn't really say no, not so soon. He wasn't that familiar with saying no anyway. "You studied Healing, right? Like Daniel is doing now?" It seemed like a family expectation... Better than economics, at least. "Also, I've been meaning to ask about the crystals..."
  6. [1837/1838] Turning raw

    Het was eigenlijk verdomd verleidelijk om nu te knikken en inderdaad te doen alsof er niets gebeurd was, maar Phoenix twijfelde. Jaren, had Maxwell gezegd, hij was al jaren verliefd geweest op Phoenix en al die tijd had hij niets laten merken en niets gedaan. En waarom niet? Nou ja, behalve waarschijnlijk de vraag of Phoenix überhaupt op mannen kon vallen (het antwoord was ja, overigens, alleen niet op Max, sorry dear). Maxwell had niets gezegd, niets gedeeld en zou dat mogelijk ook nooit gedaan hebben. Dus hoe kon hij erop vertrouwen dat Maxwell ooit over hem heen zou komen, als hij nooit van tevoren wat gezegd had? "Ik denk niet dat dat kan," zei Phoenix zachtjes, terwijl hij zijn handen dwong te ontspannen. Hij legde ze neer op de stroeve, zwarte stof van zijn broek. "Lijkt het je echt verstandig om vrienden te blijven met iemand waar je verliefd op bent, vooral als die ander niet dezelfde gevoelens heeft?" Wat een dagelijkse marteling zou dat wel niet zijn... Al die keren die hij met Maxwell had gesproken, dat ze samen in de bibliotheek hadden gezeten, of wandelden op het terrein. Hij had vast drie keer over elke handeling nagedacht, alles geprobeerd te ontleden om de werkelijke betekenis erachter te vinden... Een betekenis die er niet was. "Ik ben niet... boos, of zoiets." Maar ergens was hij dat wel. Ergens voelde hij toch alsof er misbruik van hem was genomen, ook al had Maxwell er misschien niets aan kunnen doen. Behalve beter nadenken. Behalve eerlijk zijn. Behalve hier jaren geleden al iets over zeggen.
  7. [1837/1838][EN] The Golden Age

    A question so simple as why shouldn't have to be so loaded, Phoenix thought, but he was, of course, working with a different history. With Chiron Waterford, if there was a need for a why, Phoenix had done something wrong. There were the clear expectations of his father, who would've wanted Phoenix to study Economics, of all the boring courses in the world, and if Phoenix had diverted from that, the why would've been an introduction to a punishment. Why was more of a question of what Phoenix would care about, what he would have to lose. "Human nature has always fascinated me," Phoenix said, trying to comfortably give a generic answer without seeming like he was hiding any more complex desires. "There are so many different ways that different people can respond to the same thing... I want to know why." And more than that... he wanted to understand himself. What was wrong with him, and how he could fix himself, without laying himself open for someone else to poke and prod. He had a deep desire for something independent, and what was more independent than fixing your own emotional issues? He smiled a bit apologetic to the waiter, always in some desperate need to fix the whole entire world, even when there was no hurt, and then listened to his father. "I see," he frowned. "I hadn't really thought about it that way..." His future study fascinated him and he had been a little drunk on the idea of sudden freedom to make his own choices, so he hadn't really given the future after that a thought. "So you think it would be a good idea to combine it with another course?" Or was he supposed to put psychology away in general... Phoenix couldn't help but feel a stab of disappointment of a higher intensity than the way he stabbed at his food.
  8. [1837/1838][EN] Say the words that we don't say

    Wednesday the 9th of May 1838 - in the morning - Muggle Studies Phoenix couldn't ever see himself get married. There was something so fragile about that, about sharing your life with someone else. How were you supposed to fit your life and someone else's together? What if you both liked the left side of the bed? What if you hated all their favourite food? The kind of music they liked? What if they really liked cold houses and you really liked to sit next to a fire? There was a comfort in being alone, by yourself, without another person to worry for. Sure, he hadn't really experienced living on his own, first it was his (adoptive) parents, then Hogwarts and now he lived with Mr Azure, who he hardly knew, but... he still couldn't image fitting someone else in his life. But maybe he wouldn't have to. He didn't think he was going to fall in love himself, because then he probably would've already, right? Max had been there, his best friend, and yet Phoenix had never had those sorts of feelings. And if it didn't happen with Max, who could've possibly been that person? And sure, an arranged marriage was also an option, but he had no control over that part of his life, would just have to take it as it would come. Grade: Outstanding / Uitmuntend
  9. [1837/1838] Turning raw

    De hele nacht bleef de liefdesdrank nog in Phoenix zijn systeem liggen. Een nacht die ze samen doorbrachten, in een stil hoekje in Zweinstein waar ze niet betrapt zouden worden. Ze spraken nauwelijks, waarom zouden ze, ze hadden al zoveel gesproken en de nieuwe fragiliteit van openbare gevoelens was niet één om nu al te verpesten met diepzinnige gesprekken. Phoenix had toch niets dat hij interessant vond om te zeggen, want alles wat interessant was was Maxwell. Het was dus bitter wakker worden, de volgende dag, toen de liefdesdrank zijn aderen had verlaten en hij alleen een vieze smaak in zijn mond had. De herinneringen drongen direct bij hem binnen, maar dat kwam ook omdat hij verstrengeld met Max onder zijn mantel lag. Langzaam, heel voorzichtig, probeerde hij zichzelf los te maken, want hij had een enorme noodzaak om zoveel mogelijk ruimte tussen hem en zijn beste vriend te scheppen. Verliefd... Maxwell was verliefd, op hem. Al jaren, blijkbaar, en hij had nooit wat eerder gezegd, of ook maar enig teken gegeven... En nu moest Phoenix uitleggen dat alles wat gisteren gebeurd was niet echt was, niets betekende. Dat hij niet dezelfde gevoelens had voor Maxwell. Ergens wenste hij dat Max die gevoelens nooit voor hem had gehad, want alles was nu plotseling zo gecompliceerd. Met enige moeite wist hij zich uiteindelijk uit Max zijn armen te krijgen en dat was natuurlijk precies het moment waarop Max wakker werd. Phoenix bevroor even, hij had niet echt plotseling weg willen rennen, maar nu die optie verdwenen was, miste Phoenix hem erg. Nu kon hij niets anders doen dan een beetje van Max af zitten. "Max..." Nee, dat klonk te... familiar. "Maxwell, ik... ik denk dat ik gisteren liefdesdrankbonbons heb gehad." Hij bloosde diep en liet zijn blik naar beneden vallen, op zijn handen die hij in elkaar wrong. "Ik denk dat je het niet door had, dus ik neem je niets kwalijk, maar..."
  10. [1837/1838] I'm always in the wake of the hope

    "Ja, ik ben er wel eens geweest," knikte Phoenix. Hij was op bezoek geweest bij Daniel, maar op de één of andere manier voelde het verkeerd om Daniel's naam te noemen. Alsof hij daarmee verraad pleegde bij Max, of zoiets. Hij kon het niet echt uitleggen, het sloeg natuurlijk nergens op, maar misschien dat het eraan lag dat hij niet echt aan iemand mocht, of kon, uitleggen hoe de familieband tussen hem en Daniel lag. Dus hij moest sowieso al liegen over wie Daniel was en liegen deed hij liever niet, dus in plaats daarvan... verzweeg hij het. Een veel betere oplossing. "Ik ben niet op hun terrein geweest, dus zou het eerlijk gezegd niet weten..." Hij haalde zijn schouders op. "Het verschil is denk ik vooral dat Zweinstein allemaal in één gebouw zit, maar de campus van de uni is verspreid over verschillende gebouwen, die best wel eens even groot zouden kunnen zijn als Zweinstein... dus je moet specifieker afspreken, denk ik." Hij haalde zijn schouders op. "Ik bedoel, ik weet je bijna altijd wel te vinden in de bibliotheek of de Grote Zaal of het atelier, maar daar..." Daar waren er misschien wel tien eetzalen. Vijftien ateliers. Ingewikkeld. "Misschien moeten we eens samen gaan?" stelde Phoenix voor. "In de kerstvakantie of zoiets, om de campus een beetje te verkennen." Zou er helaas nooit van komen.
  11. [1837/1838][EN]No better relation than a prudent and faithful friend

    Yes, Christmas. A holiday that now would be forever soaked in memorial, motherly blood. Phoenix smiled a little, one might never know with Daniel, but he assumed the guy meant no harm, and besides, Phoenix was all too willing to let the subject drop. He wanted to talk about it, somewhere inside, but he didn't really know with who. Not with Mr Azure, as kind as the man appeared to be, not with Daniel, not with Max, not with any other friend he might have... Maybe the only person he actually wanted to talk to about his mother was... well, his mother. Wasn't life great? "I was told it was an option," Phoenix said, with a shrug, "but it doesn't really seem necessary." He had a house, and what was a little bit of apparation every now and again? It almost seemed like pushing his family, if he were to suddenly decide he needed his own flat. "And I bet Azure won't be at home most of the time, so it'll probably feel like my own place anyway." And yet, the idea that there was someone living with him, that he wasn't thoroughly alone, was... welcoming. "I'll probably take you up on the crashing-on-the-couch deal once in a while." Daniel would probably drag him along to some parties. Phoenix didn't think he'd mind. Phoenix felt a little guilty, he hadn't meant to be mean about Elaine, but... well, what else was there to say? She was bubbly. "I'm glad," he said quickly, trying to make up for some of it. "Really?" he asked, raising his eyebrows, while talking a sip. "What does she study?" Healing too, or did miss Perfect diverge? "Oh, I don't know..." Marriage. He hadn't really thought about it... "We'll see, I guess." Maybe he'd get a note five minutes before the ceremony was scheduled to take place. Ten, if they were feeling charitable. "But I wouldn't mind staying single for a while." Dear god, the image of a wife as bubbly as Elaine was sure to give him nightmares.
  12. [1837/1838][EN] Say the words that we don't say

    Monday the 7th of May 1838 - afternoon - Potions exam As always, Phoenix felt underprepared. It didn't matter that he had spend the last two months hardly doing anything other than staring at a book. It didn't matter that he had taken the concentration drugs. It didn't matter that he was a good student in general, that he would normally get straight O's, that he knew that he knew what he had to do. Right now, he just wanted to freeze time and open his books again. Right now, he wished he hadn't slept or had breakfast. Right now, he just didn't want to fail, but he forgot that there was any other option than failure. It was a good time to realize that even now that his father was gone, Phoenix was still his own worst enemy. Grade: Exceeds Expectations / Boven verwachting
  13. [1837/1838] Turning raw

    Phoenix had niet verwacht dat Maxwell hem ooit zou zoenen, maar nu het eenmaal gebeurde wist hij natuurlijk direct dat de wereld altijd zo had moeten zijn. Hij en Maxwell hoorden bij elkaar, dat vertelde de liefdesdrank in zijn aderen hem en dus kuste hij gretig terug, alsof er een einde aan de wereld zou komen als hij niet verder ging, als hij nu niet Maxwell omarmde. En dus kuste hij Max. En toen ze adem moesten halen en zich moesten herinneren dat de rest van de wereld bestond en er elk moment iemand hen kon zien, grijnsde Phoenix naar Max. "Dat heb ik al eeuwen wilde doen." Of tenminste sinds vanochtend. Dat was hetzelfde, toch?
  14. [1837/1838][EN] The Golden Age

    Maybe it was a bit strange, but until this very moment Phoenix had never considered that going to the aurors had actually done him credit. Yes, his not-father would be punished for a murder, which he certainly deserved, but Phoenix himself had considered it more as... giving up. Admitting defeat. He couldn't handle what his father did, the utterly ghastly, selfish things, and by going to the aurors, he had told the world he couldn't handle any more. And, there was the guilt too, the guilt that he hadn't been able to protect his mother, that she had to die for him. So yes, Phoenix smiled a little, tried to look grateful for the compliment, and filed that thought away to think about on a silent night when he had nothing else to do. He did take a sip of wine, though, and tried to think of a memory that had nothing to do with her bleeding out. "Ah, yes, our final exams." He nodded politely. "I think I'm doing pretty well, I have a good schedule." And the drugs he took worked wonders on his concentration. In the beginning he had to get used to them, but of late he seemed to have... mellowed out. "Though I must admit, I'm a little nervous." Or a lot nervous... what if he failed? What if something strange happened with the exams? What if Hogwarts flooded? You never exactly knew and there was only so much you could prepare for. "And then University next year... I was thinking of studying Psychology." He was fishing a little bit, Phoenix admitted, to see if his actual-father had any opinions about his decision.
  15. [1837/1838] Turning raw

    Phoenix liet Maxwell winnen, hoor. Natuurlijk liet hij Maxwell winnen. Hij deed net alsof hij een goede poging deed, hoor, hij dook snel on het water en deed zijn uiterste best, maar vlak voor de finish hield hij zichzelf netjes in en dus was Maxwell de eerste die de andere kant van de gang bereikte. "Goed gedaan!" zei Phoenix, toen hij zelf de laatste paar centimeter aflegde en breed naar Max grijnsde. "Ik wist al dat je goed kon zwemmen, maar dit was vast een wereldrecord!" En enthousiast sloeg hij zijn armen om Maxwell. En vervolgens wilde hij niet meer los laten.
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